Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Will You be Sending Your Puppy??

New Law Imposed Regarding Dogs

The Federal Government has imposed a new law that all dogs who are over the age of one year will now be engaged in the following federally funded program. The country feels that dogs need more care than most owners are willing or able to give them.

Starting tomorrow morning you dog will be picked up by Joe in a minivan at your house. Oh, you’ve never met Joe—that’s ok he is trustworthy, take our word for it. He will put your dog in the back of the van --and allow us to be upfront, there are restraints for their safety-- but unless your dog can get itself into the harness on its own, they wont be used. In the minivan there will be many other dogs of varying sizes. Joe’s attention will be on driving the van and won't really be able to monitor the dogs in the back. Hopefully there wont be any problems, but you know, dogs will be dogs.
After driving to our facility your dog will be placed into one of our special kennels with other dogs of the same hair color. We do not group dogs by breed or
size so your white toy poodle may be grouped with a white Akita or other large dog.

We also can not take into account the instinctual tendencies of your dog. All the hunting, show, sporting, and working dogs will all be in the same kennel and follow the same program. Some of our activities for enrichment will include fetching, searching, and obstacle course work. Your dog doesn’t like to do those things? Well, that is our program and we feel all dogs should excel in those areas. If your dog does not participate or achieve to our expectations we will set up a conference with you to see what you are doing at home that might be interfering with their success. If there is any repetitive barking or growling, we will call you to discuss this behavior. We will also isolate your dog if this behavior continues. Please be sure that it doesn't.

While we understand you may have taught your dog several command or even housebroken your dog on your own in the comfort of your home, we think doing this type of training in a group setting without differentiation is better.

Lunch will be comprised of 1 cup of kibble, regardless of the size or appetite of your dog. We will not feed wet canned food or any table food to dogs. If your dog is used to that kind of thing we advise you to get them used to our brand of kibble. There will be no second cups allowed for any dogs unless we have a written letter from your veterinarian stating that your dog requires more than one cup of kibble. We will charge you for additional kibble.

After lunch the dogs from all kennels will be intermingled for a period of time. At times, dogs will fight with each other. We think this is healthy socialization and both to be expected and a learning experience for them. This is the only time your dog will be allowed outside of the kennel during the day.

Dogs will be walked every two hours. We ask that your dog be held to this schedule. Frequent walks for the bathroom are highly discouraged as it will make all the other dogs want to go for a walk.

Joe will bring home your dog after 6 hours at our facility. We ask that at that time you prepare an obstacle course at your home and run your dog through it several times each evening. This kind of repetitive activity will reinforce the activities we do in the kennels.

Please don’t go for walks in the evening with your dog, visit dog parks or play any other tiring games as we need your dog to be well rested for the next day.

Oh and by the way, that pretty pink and shiny collar on your pup, well that isn’t allowed in our kennels. We fear it may encourage fighting among dogs. Please use only a blue or red collar.

I wouldn't send my dog, or my child for that matter. So to me homeschooling is the only thing that makes sense to us. Im sure I angered some people but really its just a comical view on what many people do everyday because they are expected to.


Jessica said...

Oh, boy! You're in for it now!

TheGretchen said...

why..why does this sound so familar to me??? Thinking thinking.. :)

mom of 3 on September 9, 2011 at 8:16 PM said...

Loved it! I love homeschooling as well :)... thank God it's not that bad for all schooled children...

Zonoma on January 9, 2013 at 10:53 PM said...

This is one of the best ones I've seen. I'm going to be sharing it with friends, thank you! Please start writing again so I can link you on my blog. Please? With kibble on top?

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