Saturday, September 17, 2011
In this tough economy, may people are turning away from vacations and doing stay-cations instead. I would like to offer you the ultimate in the Stay-cation Experience: Lymes Disease. I know, you think I am crazy—but hear me out. You will find yourself hunting down a Lyme carrying tick before you finish reading this blog post.
Lets compare vacation experiences with Lymes Disease and see how they shape up.
Travel. Many people enjoy traveling far distances and seeing new places. Well, with Lymes Disease, you most likely will not be able to find a specialist in your geographic area and will get to indulge in such travel.
Meet New People. Ah, meeting new people. Sometimes when one goes on vacation they make friends with others on vacation. With Lymes Disease, you too can meet new people. Most will have medical degrees of varying fields; oncology, infectious disease, internal medicine, surgeons, etc. You options of meeting these new people is truly limitless as few people will realize you actually have Lymes Disease and they will continually bounce you over to another specialist to meet.
Loose Your Inhibitions. Sometimes people on vacation can tend to act in a promiscuous fashion. You get to do that too with Lymes Disease! I promise you will not miss out! The people you met in #2 will feel you up, both over your clothes and under them. You will leave their offices feeling as violated and used as if you had a drunken escapade in a bar. Promise.
See New Sights. The Taj Mahal? The
Eiffel ? They both have nothing on seeing the various CT scan machines, radiology suites, and other specialty suites your local hospitals offer. You may get to see Pet Scan machines too. Become overly familiar with the twisty winding hallways of your local hospital and even serve as a knowledgeable tour guide for those people on their first visit. Tower
Gamble. The casinos in Vegas are too predictable if you ask me. You either win or loose. Red or Black. With Lymes, you and your family can place wagers on what levels your blood will come back as…is it an AutoImmune Disease? What exactly is your white blood cell count. The possibilities are endless.
Relax. A short nap on a hammock in Jamaica has nothing on the months of time you will spend lying on your couch because you are too weak and in too much pain to do much else.
. A good book you say? A scary tale at night? Well, the shelves and the internet are littered with reading material you can horrify yourself with as you try to figure out what exactly is wrong with you. Reading
Introspection. Do you like to meditate and ponder the mysteries of life while you learn about yourself? How about trying to figure out if you are crazy, a hypochondriac, or just loosing your mind? You can do that daily with Lymes Disease. Promise.
Learn a New Language. Screw learning French while sitting in
. You will be speaking in medical terms that none of your friends will understand. Big words like: Borrelia burgdorferi, Enzyme-linked immunosorbent assay, and Polymerase chain reaction. Paris
Shopping. You don’t need to buy pretty little trinkets from Bermuda. You will get the chance to buy tons of vitamins and supplements which should all do one thing or another (or nothing at all). No boring haggling with local merchants in the
Caribbean for their wares—You can compare the amounts of live cultures in the different types of probiotics as you make your purchases instead and ask the pharmacists never ending questions that they do not know the answers to.
See? Why deal with the TSA and the travel regulations when you could be having all this fun right from your home? Plus, vacations only last a week or so. Lymes Disease, well, who knows how long it will stay around but you can bet you’ll be measuring your time in months if not years. I think that trumps a mere seven days on the beach somewhere right?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
New Law Imposed Regarding Dogs
The Federal Government has imposed a new law that all dogs who are over the age of one year will now be engaged in the following federally funded program. The country feels that dogs need more care than most owners are willing or able to give them.
Starting tomorrow morning you dog will be picked up by Joe in a minivan at your house. Oh, you’ve never met Joe—that’s ok he is trustworthy, take our word for it. He will put your dog in the back of the van --and allow us to be upfront, there are restraints for their safety-- but unless your dog can get itself into the harness on its own, they wont be used. In the minivan there will be many other dogs of varying sizes. Joe’s attention will be on driving the van and won't really be able to monitor the dogs in the back. Hopefully there wont be any problems, but you know, dogs will be dogs.
After driving to our facility your dog will be placed into one of our special kennels with other dogs of the same hair color. We do not group dogs by breed or
size so your white toy poodle may be grouped with a white Akita or other large dog.
We also can not take into account the instinctual tendencies of your dog. All the hunting, show, sporting, and working dogs will all be in the same kennel and follow the same program. Some of our activities for enrichment will include fetching, searching, and obstacle course work. Your dog doesn’t like to do those things? Well, that is our program and we feel all dogs should excel in those areas. If your dog does not participate or achieve to our expectations we will set up a conference with you to see what you are doing at home that might be interfering with their success. If there is any repetitive barking or growling, we will call you to discuss this behavior. We will also isolate your dog if this behavior continues. Please be sure that it doesn't.
While we understand you may have taught your dog several command or even housebroken your dog on your own in the comfort of your home, we think doing this type of training in a group setting without differentiation is better.
Lunch will be comprised of 1 cup of kibble, regardless of the size or appetite of your dog. We will not feed wet canned food or any table food to dogs. If your dog is used to that kind of thing we advise you to get them used to our brand of kibble. There will be no second cups allowed for any dogs unless we have a written letter from your veterinarian stating that your dog requires more than one cup of kibble. We will charge you for additional kibble.
After lunch the dogs from all kennels will be intermingled for a period of time. At times, dogs will fight with each other. We think this is healthy socialization and both to be expected and a learning experience for them. This is the only time your dog will be allowed outside of the kennel during the day.
Dogs will be walked every two hours. We ask that your dog be held to this schedule. Frequent walks for the bathroom are highly discouraged as it will make all the other dogs want to go for a walk.
Joe will bring home your dog after 6 hours at our facility. We ask that at that time you prepare an obstacle course at your home and run your dog through it several times each evening. This kind of repetitive activity will reinforce the activities we do in the kennels.
Please don’t go for walks in the evening with your dog, visit dog parks or play any other tiring games as we need your dog to be well rested for the next day.
Oh and by the way, that pretty pink and shiny collar on your pup, well that isn’t allowed in our kennels. We fear it may encourage fighting among dogs. Please use only a blue or red collar.
I wouldn't send my dog, or my child for that matter. So to me homeschooling is the only thing that makes sense to us. Im sure I angered some people but really its just a comical view on what many people do everyday because they are expected to.